I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
