Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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