I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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