is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
