Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
