the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
