What did we do last night that was yellow?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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