was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
