Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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