My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I understand Curling. That high.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
