Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
