My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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