What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
