if you like me you must not know who I am
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
