to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
