Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm really busy with my period
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