My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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