my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
