well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this just has baby written all over it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
