apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
