life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
