I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
