oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
