3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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