I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
