ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
