the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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