I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
