After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
