All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
