did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
