just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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