my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
