she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
