Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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