I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
