hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
