The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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