You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
