All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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