I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
