K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
one might say we're banned from that church
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
