Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
