My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
