so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
