If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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