I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
