Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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