pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
How naked do you want me to be?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
