It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
