there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
