So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
